Fearless Friday - Out of Control with Control Issues

For years, I have struggled with control. Control is one of those deceptive creatures. You can often think you're in control of something, but you really have zero control at all.

My biggest struggle is trying to control other people... especially men/boys.

Growing up, I had 4 boyfriends (the last being my husband).

I dated my first boyfriend for 4 years. We really did have a good relationship. We were best friends for 2 years before we started dating, and his father was the youth pastor at our church, and my mom was the music director. (We ended up at church A LOT!)

Throughout our relationship though, I often found myself trying to control what he saw and who he interacted with.

I had really low self-esteem at the time (and still struggle with that today), and I just couldn't handle him being around any girl that was better than me (usually meaning prettier).

When a pretty girl would come around, I would basically start to panic.

My heart would race and I would immediately go into the zone in my head where I would try to figure out what to do about this situation (a.k.a. - how to control this situation).

I would think things like, "She looks like she's about to go backstage, so I should ask my boyfriend to go get me something in the lobby, because if he goes backstage, then I can't see him and her and what they do."

I was paranoid!

As I look back on it, my stomach turns and I feel sick.

I would seriously do this kind of thing over, and over, and over.

When we were at the mall, I would try to look ahead... what stores are coming up, what pictures might he see posted up on the wall where I'll have to distract him so that he won't see a swimsuit model or worse... Victoria Secret!

Can you imagine living a life like this?! It's exhausting!!!!

. . . 

So let's fast-forward to where I am now.

I have a husband, have moved across the country to a place where I don't know where anything is or who anyone is, and I'm attending a church where no-one knows who I am or what I am capable of.

There are few things that I can control right now, but one that constantly tempts me is controlling my husband.

. . . 

My husband is truly one in 9 billion! I don't think there is anyone out there like him. He is the most loyal and trustworthy person out there. He is constantly convicted of doing the absolute right thing, and has shown me a new level to Christianity I've never seen. He's awesome.

But! With my lack of control on where I am and what not, my itch to have some type of control reaches out to doing the same thing I did with my first boyfriend.

I mainly struggle with other girls. Whether they are on the TV or in my house, I often find myself worried... mostly about what they're wearing.

I have struggled with this for a long time! And I still struggle with it today.

BUT! In this season of my life where I am learning to be fearless, I've decided to take control of what I CAN and SHOULD control, and let go of the things that I can't and shouldn't control.

. . . 

The other day, my husband and I went to see a ballet. The program had the bios in the middle of the playbill, and if you look at the pictures... every single person looked like they were topless. WHAT?!

I was shocked and immediately had my good ole friend, PANIC, join the the party. My heart started to race, and I began thinking of how I could make sure my husband didn't see it.

Now, just to show you how sad this is/was... even if my husband DID see it (which he did), he most likely wouldn't have even thought of it like that. But because I'm so freaked out about trying to control what he might think... I freak out.

Back to the story...

So as I began to plot my wonderful plan on how to make sure he doesn't see the program, I stopped. I realized I was trying to control my husband, yet again. I sat back in my chair and began to think, "What CAN I control?" I started down a trail of "Can I control my emotions," "Can I control my actions," "Can I control my mind," and "Can I control his mind?" I sat there for a good 5 minutes contemplating what I could and should control and what I shouldn't, all while he looked through the program.

I came to the conclusion that:

• I CAN and SHOULD control my actions. I can't always control my immediate reaction to something, but I can control what happens next (my action). 

• I can't always control my emotions, but I can begin to tend to them when I begin to panic, and am trying to control something. At the ballet, I was able to calm myself down by taking a step back and thinking of the situation at hand, control issues. As I was just thinking about control, my heart began to slow down and my anger that built up lessened and I actually (surprisingly) came to a point of peace!

• I cannot and should not control my husband. Whether it's what he sees, what he thinks, where he goes, or who he meets. That's not my job to control. All of that is between him and God. 

. . . 

I am learning to be fearless by not controlling my husband or others, but learning to control my own
emotions and actions when something happens that I might normally want to control.

You could say I'm learning to be "out of control". I'd accept that.

I've feared allowing myself to not control situations in the past because I've feared what might happen if I didn't control the situation.

. . . 

Turns out, it'll be just fine. 

. . . 

God's got this. He always has. He always will.

Cheers!